It didn’t take a detective to see that there were aspects of my childhood that struggled for lack of a paternal influence and with my biological father (father #1) hiding out in parts unknown, avoiding his children like the plague, and my adoptive dad (father #2) just plain ineffectual, my mother decided to pull a card from beneath the deck and took me down to the Big Brothers of America office.

I have to say I didn’t see this coming. I was in Junior High School by this time and somewhat resigned to being ignored for the remainder of my youth. I thought she felt the same way and we’d both call it a loss and go on with her single parenting but she also realized there were large gaps in my development that she couldn’t fill.

I wasn’t all that excited about this but, then again, I had nothing to compare it to since I was an only child so, what the hell, let’s at least hear what they have to say and so we met with the representative. My situation was discussed, likes and dislikes, and finally my consent was given and a Big Brother was chosen for me. We left the office with an appointment made for our first meeting at my house.

Beaver had Wally (Leave it to Beaver), Ricky had David (Ozzie and Harriet), Chip had Robbie (My Three Sons), so maybe I should have a big brother to show me the ropes and make manhood a little easier to grow into…at least that was the theory and since it looked good on TV, then…

Todd showed up on the designated evening and met me and I can’t say that I was all that connected to this, because I wasn’t, but he seemed like a very nice guy and I decided to give it a fair shake, for both our sakes. Here was someone, who had no part in my history to date, willing to step into my life and give something to it, and that was awkward for me, a kid who was already awkward in most social situations because I didn’t have a decent frame of reference who wasn’t my mother. I didn’t know how to relate to this.

But I’m sure that he felt equally awkward in his role and, though I sensed his sincerity in wanting to do this, I also felt the trickiness of the situation that he had signed up for. This whole Big Brother/Big Sister thing is, no doubt, a wonderful concept and something that has lead many lost kids out of isolation and into a life of being cared for but it is, nevertheless, an unnatural setup despite its nobility.

Where are the folks who originally signed up for this duty? I’ve got a middle reliever coming in from the bullpen because the starters couldn’t go the distance and, I’m thinking, am I so impossible to be around that a father couldn’t care for me? And now here’s this stranger who I don’t even know, trying to insert himself into my life and I’m confused. I was confused then and, writing this many, many years later, I’m still confused. Who found it so incredibly difficult to be my father that they either doused themselves in alcohol or ran far away so as not to be found?

I was that much trouble, eh?

I did what I knew to do with that confusion. I stuffed it deep down in the little reservoir I kept for such shit and I soldiered on like everything was fine and steered the boat myself even when I didn’t know what I was doing. I had no father to reference when things got ‘male perspective’ crazy. All I had were my own instincts and those, frankly, weren’t always reliable because I didn’t have a lot of life experience to rely on.

If you’re reading this and you have a son or daughter who you marginalize or neglect for any of a hundred no-good reasons, just remember that you’re setting them adrift to sort it all out in ways that aren’t necessarily reliable or healthy. I am someone who believes that everything works from the top down, from corporations to fast food joints to parenting. You do what is necessary to make the business strong, the customer happy and the child strong and self-reliant. Anything short of that is just one big fuck-up.

But my hats-off to Todd because he put in the effort and really tried to relate to me even when I was relatively disengaged and mostly quiet. I had learned to relate to myself and that made it hard to relate to Todd the way that Big Brothers would have envisioned.

I didn’t know how to do Norman Rockwell.

Todd became a friend and I have many good memories of our time together. I was very much into cars during my early teens, as was he, and so we went to the drag races and the auto shows and I remember those times very fondly. He taught me to drive a stick shift in his prized 1965 canary yellow Pontiac GTO and endured, with patience, as I popped the clutch over and over to the dismay of both of us. He was a good companion and he was very earnest in his attention to me and for that I will always be grateful but after a period of time, as I got older, we drifted apart and saw each other rarely until I left the state altogether and lost contact.

Still, Todd did, in a short time, what my fathers were unable or unwilling to do and that’s to give me attention that wasn’t warped by their own nonsense. We spent time together that was really about me and, for that relatively short period of time, Big Brothers of America worked. Todd wasn’t perfect but he didn’t need to be.

He made a magnanimous gesture that was unfamiliar to me; unselfishness. So, if I walked away with anything from our relationship, it was that and I’ll never forget it. Thanks, Todd.

P.S. 12/11/08

It wasn’t until I had written this story about half way through that I realized what an impact Todd had made on my childhood and I’m sure I did not or could not articulate that when I was a kid. Subsequently, I’m making it a priority to find him (I’ve narrowed it down) and let him know what I think I revealed to myself in the process of crafting this piece. This oversight of gratitude probably occurs often in Big Brother relationships (we were children afterall) but I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge what I gained through this program and, specifically, Todd’s addition to my life.